I have recently begun remembering my dreams. I dream often, but I rarely remember them. Recently, I’ve been taking more of an interest in my dreams and have actively tried to recall them in the morning. Last night, I dreamt of my eating disorder.
I dreamed that I reverted back to bingeing and purging, and that I’d been doing it regularly for at least a week. And then, I looked at my sobriety counter on my phone and pulled up this blog and realized that I’d left my days ticking on.. 87, 88, 89, but I was actively purging. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed to reset the counter, but I just stood there staring at it. And then, I woke up.
I’m not 100% sure what this means. Is it anxiety–am I scared of returning to my old ways? Is it the disorder, wanting me to remember that it’s still there? Am I just plain missing the thing I did for so long?
Probably a little of all of it. What I did realize is that this blog, which is really for myself (although I enjoy the support of followers and really do feel uplifted by the occasional comments and likes–an unexpected bonus!), and my sobriety counter really DO keep me grounded. I’m accountable to them, small as they may be, and I want to keep those numbers ticking up.