New

My day counter on my phone reads “8,” as in 8 days since my last episode with bulimia. I had been in recovery for a solid 2 years, and then had some minor issues with relapses over the last few months. Obviously, I was not on as solid footing as I’d imagined. 

I decided that with the new year, I really needed to get back into a new journey of recovery. I know what works for me: meditation, walks without a goal or listening to a podcast, and journaling or blogging. Also, therapy.

I think in large part that I fell into this season of relapse not only because I took recovery for granted and stopped doing all the things I listed above, but also because I quit my old therapist–the one I had gone to 4 years ago specifically for help with the ED. It was necessary–she had become very inconsistent in scheduling, and the relationship was heading toward toxicity due to my resenting her frequent late cancellations and rescheduling; the last straw was her standing me up on a day when I really could have used the session, and when I moved a lot of things in my own schedule around to accommodate a reschedule on her part. 

In any case, I was seeing another therapist, who was very kind, but perhaps not tremendously helpful. She didn’t specialize in EDs, and I think I subconsciously took that as a permission to reengage in the behavior. I did tell her about the relapse, but she looked to me for guidance in how to treat it, what to ask, how to help, etc. I appreciate so much her willingness to ask and learn, but I simply didn’t have it in me to be the leader in that situation. 

I spent the last week trying to find someone in my area who specializes in EDs, who is taking new patients, and who can see me in person. I managed to find someone (unfortunately out of my insurance network), who I’m seeing on Friday. I have another in-network option that I may also look into after that.

So, baby steps. I’ve made a commitment to meditate and walk each day, and to journal or blog a couple times a week. I’ve also decided to do an additional thing each day just for me (I hate the label “self-care”)–a bath, or reading a book, or legs up on the wall, etc.

Day 8. It’s a new year!