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Pity

I had a good therapy session this week, in the way that typically happens: I went in with a list of things I thought I wanted to talk about, but actually ended up talking about something else for the whole hour. We’ve started meeting only once a month, which feels OK, but I’m thinking ofContinue reading “Pity”

Signs

I feel like the road signs in my life are pointing in so many contradictory directions. I don’t know which signs to trust, and I’m starting to feel lost. I had blood work done at my most recent doctor appointment, and I am not happy with the results. Things are all over the map. Basically,Continue reading “Signs”

10.

My recovery is solid, and I feel strong. Those are true statements. And yet… I went to another doctor’s appointment today, in the way that I typically take care of things in these unicorn weeks when my school year is over but my kids’ is not. I always get a haircut and color, see myContinue reading “10.”

Fat

This is a triggering word, I know. It’s an even more triggering feeling. There is really no simpler way to put it than: I feel fat. My arms feel fat, my cheeks feel puffy. I keep squeezing the flesh around my midsection thinking, Fat, fat fat. I hate that I am 40 years old andContinue reading “Fat”

Memories

I know that my memories are unreliable. I have an excellent and terrible memory at the same time. I have barely any recollection of my childhood, high school, college years. I can’t remember the conversations and events, the meals and celebrations. At a recent conference, a college friend came up and tried to engage withContinue reading “Memories”

Estrangement

I am watching this terrible show on HBO. Or, I should say, I think it is terrible–it is campy and overly dramatic. The dialogue is lacking, and the plot spirals back upon itself in a way that is annoying. And yet, I keep watching it, because I have run out of truly good shows toContinue reading “Estrangement”

Photo

Like many with EDs, I don’t always love to look at photos of myself. There are a few “sanctioned” pictures that I keep up around the house–those wedding and family photos that I have determined are “fine.” But, other than that, I sometimes find myself sucking in my breath when someone posts a picture ofContinue reading “Photo”

Strain

I routinely fight against the feeling of straining fabric. It’s hard not to notice when your pants are a little more snug, or your arms are pressing up on your blazer sleeves in an uncomfortable way. I know that those of us with EDs are particularly attuned to these minor shifts in how our bodiesContinue reading “Strain”

Contradictions

I am feeling a calmness recently that I’m proud of. I’m also struggling with my typical “summer anxiety” as it commingles with my usual anxiety. These are contradictory emotions, certainly, but I’m trying to recognize and live with both. I am relatively at peace with things right now. We have an absurd and stressful situationContinue reading “Contradictions”

Different

I really only look at my recovery day counter these days when I’m writing these posts, but I accidentally clicked on it the other day when it was at 40. I realized how different this time around feels. Last time, 40 days felt like SUCH a long time; I wrote a blog post on howContinue reading “Different”

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