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Relapse

(Triggers abound.) I thought I’d really made it this time. I honestly thought to myself, “Ha! Well, it really wasn’t so hard, was it? All I had to do was quit. And now, I’m recovered!” I mean, it took awhile to get to that point, but after three, six, nine months, I really felt likeContinue reading “Relapse”

Appetite

I’ve found that I’ve lost my appetite over the past several weeks of anxiety and the unknown. Nothing sounds good, and my stomach feels too jittery to be filled. Somehow I think this is the more “normal” response to stress, but what’s not normal is how great I feel about it. In the back ofContinue reading “Appetite”

Darkness

I’m chugging along on the recovery train and feeling good. But honestly, I could really use an ED right now. Things are dark. We accepted an offer on out home. We bent over backwards and endured major nightmare stress to complete the required repairs (I’m not joking—gas company cut into a live line in theContinue reading “Darkness”

Graduation

Today, my therapist and I decided that I’ve graduated, more or less. I’m going to see her in a month and we’ll decide whether the monthly check-ins will work, whether I need more frequent sessions, or whether we’re ready for a break. She said, “You are an entirely different person than you were when weContinue reading “Graduation”

Hiatus

I think I’ll take a little break from this blog until I have something I feel I need to share. I committed to posting everyday in order to make myself accountable, and I really relied on this blog for that for a long while. But, I feel like I’ve come to the end of whatContinue reading “Hiatus”

Happy

Today, I’m happy. And, I’ve realized that over the last several weeks, my overriding emotion has been happiness. I’m grateful for my life and body and have been fostering meaningful relationships. My little family is amazing, and I’ve been working not to let anxiety steal that joy. I’m happy. Day 157.

Body Image

Today, we’re having a huge backyard party for about 20 of my colleagues/spouses and 6 kids. We’re having Mexican food catered and have the pool ready to go for the kids. Since my littlest is 3 and can’t confidently swim on her own, I’ll need to be in the pool with her. So, in aContinue reading “Body Image”

Realization

About 6 months ago, I went to my GP with a complaint of shoulder pain. It’s something with which I’ve struggled every month right before my period, and it got to the point of being unbearable. This is an issue that began when I was pregnant with my first child 7 years ago, and itContinue reading “Realization”

Oxygen

It always surprises me a little that I have a gut reaction to the flight attendant’s cheerful mandate to put one’s own mask on before assisting others, in the event of an emergency. I’ve thought about what I would do in an emergency on a plane with my kids—because I am the queen of visualizingContinue reading “Oxygen”

Letters

I love writing letters. I don’t do it often enough, but I have always loved the act of writing by hand and sending and receiving letters. I am actual pen pals with my doctoral professor/advisor. We write real letters delivered via snail mail and have sort of tacitly agreed that we won’t email unless aContinue reading “Letters”

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