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Family

My parents came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. This is different from most previous years, where we traveled with the kids and tried to see everyone on both sides of the family in four days. That was exhausting and stressful, but it was also fun to catch up and see everyone for the holiday.Continue reading “Family”

“Monitoring”

I feel like I’m back in a more solid, controlled space. I recently read the book Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn, and the second part of the book is a self-help guide centered around CBT. It contains a few charts and detailed instructions on how to complete the different steps in the program heContinue reading ““Monitoring””

Day 3.

Day 3 was sloppy. I’m at the end of the day, sitting in bed, having brushed my teeth and knowing that I did in fact “make it,” but it wasn’t pretty. I’ve been trying to figure out what sets me “off” for this feeling, and I honestly think it’s when I eat breakfast when IContinue reading “Day 3.”

Day 1.

I’m back to the beginning, Day 1. Today, I decided that I’m going to stop feeling disappointed and dejected that I relapsed after nearly 300 days of recovery. Instead, I’m going to treat this as a blank slate, a chance to start anew with hope and excitement, and as a learning experience to see howContinue reading “Day 1.”

Back to…

Back to 0 today. I had racked up a solid 11 days that felt… tough, but not impossible. And today, out of nowhere, I just up and decided to purge. I honestly can’t figure out what’s going on. I don’t feel tremendous stress. I’m happy in my relationships and with my kids. I feel prettyContinue reading “Back to…”

Hard Reset

My day counter reads like elementary coding. 0 days, 1 day, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0. Today is Day 1. Actually, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since my last purge, but I’m going with it. Day 1. Back to the start. I’ve decided that I truly need to go back to the start andContinue reading “Hard Reset”

Bender

When I first started seeing my therapist, she suggested it was a matter of when, not if I would relapse. It made me really mad. I thought, “Someday will be THE day, right? Someday I’ll have started recovery and will never look back and never even have to worry about relapsing.” And, I was sureContinue reading “Bender”

Relapse

(Triggers abound.) I thought I’d really made it this time. I honestly thought to myself, “Ha! Well, it really wasn’t so hard, was it? All I had to do was quit. And now, I’m recovered!” I mean, it took awhile to get to that point, but after three, six, nine months, I really felt likeContinue reading “Relapse”

Appetite

I’ve found that I’ve lost my appetite over the past several weeks of anxiety and the unknown. Nothing sounds good, and my stomach feels too jittery to be filled. Somehow I think this is the more “normal” response to stress, but what’s not normal is how great I feel about it. In the back ofContinue reading “Appetite”

Darkness

I’m chugging along on the recovery train and feeling good. But honestly, I could really use an ED right now. Things are dark. We accepted an offer on out home. We bent over backwards and endured major nightmare stress to complete the required repairs (I’m not joking—gas company cut into a live line in theContinue reading “Darkness”

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