Disappointment

Well, the last time I posted was January of 2024, claiming “It’s a new year!” and promising to be better in my recovery journey in 2024. I’m aware that it’s now well into 2025 (what a shit year), and here I am again.

My overwhelming feeling is disappointment, but not surprise. I’ve been “better” with my ED, that’s for sure… often going a whole month or more without engaging in the behaviors. But, I am not able to say that I am on solid ground in my recovery right now. In fact, the past several days have been pretty bad for me.

The thing is, it is definitely DIFFERENT. I feel tired of the behavior and almost even bored with my relapses–it’s the same story, over and over and over and over again. There is nothing original to my triggers or how I deal (or don’t deal) with them, and it’s starting to make me feel very tired.

I try to weigh the pros and cons to my ED, and of course the cons list ends up toppling the singular pro (immediate indulgence and relief) every time. And yet.

I’m sick of feeling the way I do after an episode. I really am. And, I mean likely literally sick–I know I will wake up with a headache and my eyes will feel achy and red the entire next day. While I don’t want to get into the specifics of my disorder, there is also something different in the purging–it doesn’t feel as easy, and it sort of scares me, like I’m on the verge of harming something internal.

I know I need to stop this behavior. And, I know how. I just need to do it. This is the fist step.

Day 1.