Appetite

I’ve found that I’ve lost my appetite over the past several weeks of anxiety and the unknown. Nothing sounds good, and my stomach feels too jittery to be filled. Somehow I think this is the more “normal” response to stress, but what’s not normal is how great I feel about it. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking, “Maybe I’ll lose a ton of weight and everyone will know just how anxious I am and how awful this time is.”

I feel like I’m sinking, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m irritable and distant with my kids, and it’s killing me. I want to put on a smile for them and play and be happy, but I’m listing worst-case scenarios in my head and fielding those worst-case texts and phone calls while they’re begging me to play and plying me with their normal kid-type requests.

I’m out of patience, and I’m angry, and I’m so, so sad. But, they’re kids. It’s not their fault or their responsibility, and I feel so very guilty. I just can’t give them the attention or the happiness they deserve right now. AND, they’re going through changes, too. They are anxious about the packing and the movers and the repairmen in the house constantly. My daughter starts a whole new school in a few weeks for pre-K, and my son goes into big-kid 1st grade. They need me to pay attention to their feelings.

Day 210.