I recently watched a class that I taught both via Zoom and in-person. Yeah, it’s hard. Like, nearly impossible. Anyhow, I was surprised to see myself rocking back and forth nearly the entire time I wasn’t speaking. Anytime I was listening to students, fielding questions, or otherwise not actively lecturing, there it was. Back and forth. Back. And. Forth.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve also rubbed the nail of my thumb against the side of my forefinger as a self-soothing gesture, I guess. I rub it until there’s a callous on the side of each forefinger, which causes every nail technician to scrunch up her nose and cluck her tongue. I’m not sure whether it’s soothing, or whether I like the pain. It’s just a tiny twinge, a momentary flicker of masochism that’s been with me for decades. Not surprisingly, I do it most when I’m anxious.

My therapist has remarked time and again how I just can’t seem to be still, not moving. And, I suppose that’s true. I’m always in motion, always moving. Compulsively moving. I have a hard time being still, and that’s probably why I am so productive most of the time. But, I acknowledge that stillness would be helpful… at times. Like, maybe so I don’t look like a crazy person while I’m teaching.

I’m working on resting, on being still, on lots of levels–mentally, physically, emotionally. Meditating helps (another blog on that sometime), and focusing on being fully present in the moment also helps. I hope you can find a moment of peace and stillness of your own. Day 14.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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