Struggle

For me bulimia has always been somewhat cyclic. It’s easy for me to slip into disordered patterns the week before my period, when I feel worse physically and emotionally. I tend to eat less healthily and just feel bloated and bad. Yesterday was a struggle, and I know already 15 minutes into today that it will be as well.

I don’t have any magic coping mechanisms; it’s just hard. I’ll remind myself that this week will pass, these feelings will pass, and the churning panic and anxiety will eventually pass. I’m committed to this journey of recovery, and I am strong enough to ignore that little devil voice that says, “It’s not really that bad. Just once won’t kill you… you don’t even have to admit to anyone that you did it!”

It’s that sort of distorted thinking that has kept me in this place for so long–that little voice that tells me that I’m so much better than I used to be. I am, for sure, but purging is still purging, regardless of whether it happens after a full-blown binge or after a blah-feeling day when my eating wasn’t spot on. So, I’ll sit in the discomfort and carry on. Day 16.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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