Blindsided

It hits me like a Mac truck–all of a sudden out of nowhere, I’m planning a binge. My head makes these wild jumps, these irrational connections. Well, I had Cheez-Its, which is all there was in the car, for the kids… but I was starving, so I had them. Not a great choice… I’ll just have some brownies and maybe some cinnamon toast when I get home, some frozen pizza bites, what else… with the knowledge that I’ll purge after all of that.

Don’t worry, I didn’t.

But, there was a time when I would have, almost without thinking. I keep trying to figure out where that comes from. It’s the classic all-or-nothing mentality. Well, I made this one decision. Point of no return! Let’s just go hog wild; the damage is already done. I had to force myself to take deep breaths, to consciously not go into the kitchen or the pantry after I got home. Instead, I loaded the dishwasher and replied to emails before I picked up my kids from school.

And, then it mostly passed. The rest of the evening, I felt a little out of sorts. I ate an early dinner (4:30!) to stave off the hunger/craving feeling, and then I just kind of felt uncomfortably full too early in the evening. I took a digestive enzyme and told myself it was OK just to be done eating for the day by 5PM, if that’s what needed to happen.

It wasn’t easy. It was harder than it has been in a long while. The urge blindsided me; but, it didn’t win. Day 20.