Done

One thing my therapist said that has stuck with me is that I can just “be done” eating for the day at literally whatever point I choose. Since my husband works long days far from home, he and I usually eat dinner together after the kids are in bed, around 8:30 or later. This works for us because it’s our only alone time, and we really relish and need that time together. It doesn’t work that great for my recovery. It’s really hard for me to be home at 4 for the day (or earlier), making snacks for the kids, cooking them dinner, eating a little bit with them… and then having my full meal right before bed.

I know it’s a terrible plan. But, it’s what we’ve chosen–it’s what I have chosen as a way to have sit-down mealtime with my kids, and also have some “us” time with my husband. I’m committed to this piecemeal dinner routine.

It’s just so easy to get derailed. It’s so easy to accidentally eat a larger dinner than I’d planned to with the kids. It’s so easy to have some of their snacks, and then some of their second snacks, and then some of their bedtime snacks. It’s easy to want to “undo” all of that so I can also have my evening meal.

My therapist reminded me that if I’m done eating for the day, I’m done. I don’t need to fix it, and I don’t need to apologize for it. But, I do need to be done. That means that if I eat dinner with the kids “accidentally” without really noticing that I’m grazing, then I’m done eating for the day at 5PM in order to keep my recovery on track. If I start to panic earlier–which happened recently, then maybe I tell myself it will all be fine, but I’m done for the day at 3PM.

This has been really hard for me. But, there aren’t any do-overs or undoing. Or, rather, I guess each day is a new do-over. Day 28.