My disorder is greedy and jealous. I wish that I could look at another woman and just admire her beauty, or even not think about it. I wish I wouldn’t see a clearly emaciated model and wish for her physique. I wish I could just not see the thinness or heaviness of bodies.

I read someone else’s blog the other day who said, “It’s not willpower, it’s a disease” about her anorexia, angered when others say they wish they could have her willpower. That made me think. I’ve always wished I could have the “willpower” to be anorexic instead of bulimic. I’ve never been skeletal—why does the disorder make me want that?

Maybe someday I’ll stop noticing, about myself and others. Maybe someday I’ll believe that willpower doesn’t exist. Day 64.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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