My eating disorder was with me for over 20 years. So, I guess it makes sense that I miss it sometimes. There are nights when I really, really wish I could just throw up my dinner. Sometimes it is when I actually have overeaten a little and feel uncomfortable; sometimes I just feel nostalgia for the old behavior.
Tonight, we had one of those really good family meals. Well. I mean, it wasn’t TOO Norman Rockwell-esque… a Door Dasher delivered Chinese to us. But anyhow, the kids dove in, and we were all happy and ravenous. We were enjoying dinner and each other’s company when I suddenly noticed my uninvited guest—I was thinking how great it would be if I could just go purge afterward.
I didn’t. But, I’m reminded that even 71 days in, recovery is so hard. And, it’s not the norm yet for me. Day 71.