Control

One of the things I’ve been reflecting on in the aftermath (maybe aftermath? maybe it’s ongoing?) of this little depressive state is the issue of control. I know that for so long, bulimia was a last-ditch effort to establish some kind of control amidst chaos and things I couldn’t change. I still struggle with that. I very much want there to be something I can “do” to mitigate my stress or change a bad situation. I have a hard time believing that sometimes there is nothing to be done. Sometimes, no one is in control.

I think that’s why things like natural disasters and threats for bad weather really throw me for such a loop. Last night, we had a tornado and large hail threat (not uncommon for spring where I live). I felt anxious all day, on the verge of a panic attack. I kept thinking about what would happen if our brand new roof got damaged while the house is in its first week on the market. What would happen if I had to take the kids and huddle in an interior bathroom while my husband were still at work? I pictured worst-case scenarios.

In any case, nothing happened. As is usually the case here. I’m grateful for our safety, of course. Every time this happens, I think that I cannot go on like this. I can’t continue on this path of being so worked up about possible travesties.

Day 126.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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