Raw

I have struggled to find appropriate words for what I’ve been feeling lately: “depression” seems to severe and official; “low mood” sounds dumb. I am feeling irritable and sad more often lately, but those too seem to common descriptors to assign to this, which feels decidedly uncommon for me.

I feel like I’m suddenly an observer in my life rather than an active participant. I feel the way I feel when I’ve just heard terrible news but have to carry on with some obligation–the way I felt when I learned my grandmother had just died while I was walking into an 8am lecture class that I had to teach for the next 90 minutes. Like I’m going through the right motions and putting on the right faces, but there’s some kind of disconnect.

I feel a bit raw.

Day 136.