Doozies

I’ve started reading Intuitive Eating at the recommendation of another blogger on this site (thank you!). I like the idea of eating intuitively—it feels very liberating to think of foods not being “bad”, thinking of all foods as being available options. But, I first skimmed the book thinking, Hmm. I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to think of pasta carbonara as a viable menu option

So, I’ve ruminated on the concepts for awhile and have tried to take better notice of my hunger cues. I’ve tried to eat more mindfully. I’ve tried to pepper little bits of “off limits” foods into my diet. I’ve also tried to be honest about my eating—if someone had asked about my eating habits before reading this book, I’d have argued that I DO eat intuitively—that if I really wanted something, I COULD eat it.

But, that’s not the whole truth. I lie to myself that I just don’t want sweets (“they just sit like a rock in my stomach!”) or that I just don’t like cheeseburgers (“I really actually love salads!!!”) or that I’m not drawn to the comfort foods on a menu (“macaroni and cheese would just fill me up immediately!”)… but, deep down I know that I still keep a forbidden foods list. I might try a bite (or three) of my husband’s meal, but I wouldn’t order the steak and potatoes for myself.

So, the other day when I went to pick up a cookie order for my son’s school birthday celebration, I let myself really look at the (oh-my-god-amazing) baked goods in the case. I immediately started salivating at the Carrot Cake Doozies, which are two carrot cake cookies sandwiching cream cheese frosting. So, yeah, like the “worst” dessert they sell–basically double a large frosted cookie.

I really thought about whether I wanted it, and whether I could “handle” it. And then, I bought it. I ate it slowly (I mean, I didn’t inhale it) and savored every delectable bite, and then I stopped halfway through and took a break and then decided I absolutely wanted to finish it.

And then, to my surprise, I didn’t feel guilty about it, and I also didn’t think crazily about food every minute of the next several hours (like I usually do)… I was just… satisfied.

Now, that lasted for the evening, and then I fell back into the “I already ruined my eating for the day” mentality and overate that evening. I didn’t think of purging, but it wasn’t the grand victory I had hoped for.

In any case, it makes me happy to know that Carrot Cake Doozies exist and that maybe when I’m feeling really strong, I can have another. Baby steps.

Day 146.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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