Confession

I’m here to confess my sins, just to put the words in print and send them out into the universe. I have binged and purged the past three days, after 2 years of solid recovery. Yep.

I feel OK is the thing–I don’t feel like I’m relapsing; I feel almost like I just needed to “get it out of my system” – a Rumspringa of sorts. But, I know this is not right or good, and it’s not what I want to be doing for myself. So, here I am writing it out.

Obviously I have been thinking of why this happened. I am in a hectic, stressful time of the academic and performing year. Sure. But, I’ve been in much higher-stress situations over the last 2 years. I have let my guard down, certainly. I’m not meditating or allotting my time in the best ways for my mental and emotional health, and I’ve stopped doing some things (like this blog) that have kept me on a straighter path in the past. I deleted my day counter on my phone because “I’m fine now”.

A big part of it, I think, is that I had to stop going to my old therapist–the one I went to because she specializes in eating disorders. She became too flaky and at the second appointment in which she stood me up, she called from what was obviously a beach resort (party music, laughter and hollering in the background), and I could hear her trying to be professional but also trying not to laugh, as she rushed me off the phone. Here’s the thing: I get it. But, I also work full-time and am a mom of 2. I have to meticulously carve out these appointment hours, and it takes an emotional toll to prepare for an appointment and then get stood up–not once, but twice. If she had handled the fall-out better (apologized, or even emailed about a make-up session earlier than a full week later), I would have considered a third chance.. Anyhow, I felt accountable to her in a way I don’t to my new therapist, in part because I went to her specifically for the ED.

I’m not sure what to change moving ahead. I may need to seek out a new therapist who specializes in EDs again? I need for sure to get my head back into my recovery routine. So, here we are: Day 1.