Sick

I am so incredibly grateful to have received both doses of the Covid-19 vaccination. But let me tell you, that booster is no joke. I was prepared to feel like crap the day after, and this is honestly worse than I expected.

I woke up in the middle of the night with chills and the worst roiling in my gut, bile in the corners of my mouth. I ran to vomit, and I realized that I haven’t thrown up with illness in a VERY long time. It is awful. I don’t even want to guess the number of times I’ve forced myself to vomit over the 20 years this eating disorder controlled me, but let’s just say I’m a seasoned veteran. Being sick made me realize just how awful it feels to throw up from illness—the acridness of the bile, the force of the uncontrolled reaching.

It sucked, and then I realized that this is what other people think of when they learn that someone is bulimic. WE know that the vomiting isn’t the same—it is somehow “cleaner,” more controlled, less harsh.

Anyhow, I had wondered what it would feel like to throw up again; it wasn’t fun. I hope it’ll be a long while before I find out again. Day 46.