Ok, so after I wrote that self-righteous post yesterday about “writing my future,” I was hit with a doozy of a day. I actually thought, No one will ever know. You can have one last purge and you’ll feel soooo much better. And then you can go back to recovery without ever telling anyone, and everything will be fine!
And then I felt my chest tighten and the mania flood my brain while I thought of all the things I would binge on since I had already decided about the purge.
And THEN I thought, Wait, what the actual fuck? I thought about those 53 days and how I would know, even if no one else would. And I didn’t. But it was hard. I know I’ll be grateful for this in the morning, but right now it sucks. And, surprise not at all, but it’s the week before my period. This ALWAYS happens… you’d think it wouldn’t be a surprise at some point. Day 54.