And just like that…

Wow, tonight hit me like a truck. I’m sitting here with a stomach too-full of food and a chest too-full of anxiety. I was so close. SO. CLOSE. I actually prepared food to eat that I knew I would purge. I took a bite (more like 15) and then thought, What are you doing??! You need to stop. Stop now. Just stop. STOP.

And, I did. It was one of the hardest things. I tossed the food, took out the trash to the outside garbage in the freezing cold, and tried to breathe (while my kids yelled and screamed and fought and persisted with their witching-hour awfulness).

I need to break this down. So, a net positive, I guess. It’s been 55 days. And it’s still 55 days. I have lived to see the dawn of day 56. But WHERE THE HELL did that come from? I’ve been going pretty strong, with only minor urges and thoughts. This was…. bad. I was in the throes of an actual binge, planning out the things I would eat that I wouldn’t normally eat, because I’d already committed mentally to the purge–and I had even thought that I would just keep on with this blog (I know, no one really cares, but still) and wouldn’t mention it to my therapist. Bad news all around.

So, that’s my confession. I will tell my therapist. This isn’t OK. I know that.

Now, where did it come from? I’m stressed. I know that. We’re facing a huge blizzard that has already shut down my college for three days. So, I’ am teaching practical courses that cannot be taught virtually, virtually. I’m “teaching” and in “meetings” with my 3- and 5-year-olds also stuck at home, with no other adult help, because my husband (in the medical profession) is stuck at work where he is most helpful, by design. We’re also preparing to list our home and build a new one. The meetings and decisions (and costs) are endless. I’m stressed out and I’m tired. But, I won this tiny thing. It feels like a great big miserable failure, but in the end it’s probably one of my biggest victories. I just wish it didn’t feel so horrible. Day 55.