I am all about loving your body and being grateful for all the amazing this it has done. I really am. And, I really do love my body and am so, so grateful that it’s put up with all my shit and keeps powering through, that it gave me two amazing little people and that it shows up for me in huge ways.

But, what do you do with the other feelings? I believe those things, but I also believe the ED sometimes still, when I’m getting out of the bathtub and my stomach rolls up and I am frozen with horror and disgust.

I forced myself to post a family photo from Easter, because I love to see the memories pop up years in a row. But, it was taken by a well-meaning bystander at a horrible angle. The shot goes up, and the wind was blowing my blazer out around my hips. My hair was blown away from my face, and I’m grinning so largely that my cheeks look like I’m squirreling away marshmallows. I look huge, at least to me. And that was a hard pill to swallow because I actually felt good about my appearance that morning.

So, while my head reminds me to be grateful and forgiving, my heart still struggles. I don’t know how to change that.

Day 104.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

One thought on “Disgust

  1. My team tells me frequently that body image is the very last thing to go… and that sometimes it takes years into recovery. Hopefully that doesn’t discourage you but rather allow for the time & space of healing and that eventually that part will get easier. I resonated with what you said … it’s beyond frustrating sometimes!!

    Liked by 1 person

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