Noticing

There are a lot of things I’ve learned or read recently that resonate with me, or that I do believe, but I don’t know what to do with. The idea of trauma manifesting in physical pain, for instance. Or, my true desire to be less of a perfectionist or less judgmental.

These beliefs and desires simply don’t change the way I think, react—the way I fundamentally AM. And, I wonder what the next step is. Is it simply enough to believe that some physical pain is caused by emotional trauma and leave it at that? Where do I go from here? Is it enough to realize that I’m being judgmental or that I’m engaging in black-and-white thinking? Beyond noticing and naming these things, I don’t really know what “next steps” to take to change the person I fundamentally am.

I guess that also extends to bulimia. It’s been a long time since I purged, but I don’t feel fundamentally changed. I guess it’s enough to simply recognize the challenges and not engage in the behavior.

Day 108.