Resentment

I read a thing recently that said in order to function at our best, we really need to list all the resentments we have and own them so that we can eventually release them.

I have been ruminating on this, and I’ve realized that I have a lot of resentment. Toward a lot of people and a lot of situations.

1. First and foremost, my parents. The older my own kids get, the less I can understand how they treated me when I was a just a child.
   
2. My exes. I had lots to do with these relationships, obviously, but I had a string of gay male exes. I was engaged to a gay man for awhile… they were all (obviously) unavailable, we just didn’t know it yet. My heart was broken so many times in the exact same way.
   
3. The Professor. Seriously, fuck him. He damaged me in ways I wouldn’t understand for a long time, and he abused his power so easily. I was the student; he was in control.
   
4. My brother. My whole childhood was devoted to making sure he was OK—distracting him during the fights, parenting him in the aftermath. And he’s estranged himself from me, and only me. There’s a lot to unpack from our childhood, so while I don’t necessarily blame him from excising parts of his past, I do resent it—in part because it hurt me deeply, and in part because I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it myself.
   
5. My kids. I adore my kids. But I can’t help feeling resentful sometimes—of the years I backtracked in my career, the opportunities I’ve had to decline, the energy and sheer time I’ve had to invest. The body I gave up to have them. They’re my entire world, but I sometimes find myself feeling the resentment.
   
6. LOL My students. They are so incredibly needy. I love teaching, and I love a large majority of my time with my students. But they need me SO MUCH. I have to solve the slightest problems for them, be available all time time to them, be their therapist, legal aid, parent, friend, coach, and also their teacher. It’s exhausting.
   
7. Everyone else. I’m mostly kidding here, but I feel constantly disappointment by people we hire for various jobs, for people at companies and stores who let me down. I resent how much power these inconsequential interactions have over me.

There’s probably more. This could probably stand to be explored more deeply…

Day 118.