Discouragement

I have been feeling so discouraged lately. Maybe I’d go so far as to say “depressed.” I can’t figure out exactly why, but it’s probably a combination of things.

I am over this semester, and so are all my students. The end cannot come quickly enough. The past year has taken an immense emotional toll on everyone, and my students are all absolutely falling apart. I really can’t blame them–I feel like I’m falling apart, too, but I’m the one they expect to put them back together. I have had countless “emergency” meetings over the past two weeks with students who are frazzled, frayed, faltering. They have vented and cried and moaned; and, they typically need only that. They need someone in administration to listen and understand and hear their worries… but, it take a toll on me, too. I have an administrative role within my department, but I am primarily a teacher. So, right now both my teaching and administrative hats are full to the brim, and I’m so tired.

I’m also mourning the loss of some of my star students. Three who have been with me for all 4 years of undergrad had planned to stay for graduate work, but they all got amazing full-ride/assistantship offers at top-tier schools, so they’re scattering. This is exactly what SHOULD happen, and I am delighted for them. But, it’s added to my feelings of loss.

I am also fully overwhelmed by home life right now. We’re in the process of listing our home and working with an architect and contractor to build on land about three blocks away. This is exciting and will be the right move for us, but it’s exhausting and stressful. Keeping a home showing-ready with two small kids while working full-time is rough. Meeting about windows, cabinetry, design elements, roofing materials… is also tough. I feel like I just don’t have the bandwidth for this right now. My husband feels the same, so while we’re at least a united front, we’re both drained.

And, I just feel disheartened by so much. So many things go wrong, so many details missed. I am discouraged by the lack of care people demonstrate in so many areas. I’m tired.

Day 119.