Drained

I guess I’m just emotionally drained lately. I keep thinking of how I should respond to my mom and why I can’t get my heart to listen to my head. I KNOW that I shouldn’t let her responses mar my memories or taint my feelings toward certain events, but I just can’t make my heart not FEEL that.

Ten years after my wedding, when I think about that day, I still think of my mother’s making it about her–about her making me feel guilty on the happiest day of my life. When I think about finding out I was pregnant 7 years ago, I still think of my mom’s self-centered response. Ten years from now when I think about making full professor, I know that I’ll still think about my mom’s inappropriate response. I don’t know how not to.

Day 138.