relationships

Pity

I had a good therapy session this week, in the way that typically happens: I went in with a list of things I thought I wanted to talk about, but actually ended up talking about something else for the whole hour. We’ve started meeting only once a month, which feels OK, but I’m thinking ofContinue reading “Pity”

Like everyone, I think often about the relationships I have, and those that I have had and lost. I think about the ways in which relationships transform and grow, or not. I think about the relationships that I want to invest in, and those I may not. The conference I just returned from revealed aContinue reading “Relationships”

Drained

I guess I’m just emotionally drained lately. I keep thinking of how I should respond to my mom and why I can’t get my heart to listen to my head. I KNOW that I shouldn’t let her responses mar my memories or taint my feelings toward certain events, but I just can’t make my heartContinue reading “Drained”

Mom X

I’m angry. My mother has again taken an important or exciting thing in my life and made it about her–or twisted my feelings about said event unfairly. This time, it was the news that I’d made full professor. She called and said in an angry tone, “Well. Congratu-LATIONS. I wish I would have known aboutContinue reading “Mom X”

Mom VIII

My therapist suggested something I hadn’t considered: my children are now my mother’s purpose in life, and as such, they will be the ones to change her, if it is ever to happen. Nothing that I have ever done has elicited change in her behavior or character; but, every time she leaves our house sheContinue reading “Mom VIII”

Mom VII

I’ve been trying to imagine what goes through my mom’s head regarding body image. I know that she has been wildly uncomfortable with her body and herself. I know that she was hospitalized in either high school or college for anorexia (though I mistrust my old memories so much now… who told me that? DidContinue reading “Mom VII”

Mom VI

My mom has apologized for her past behavior more than once. I had recently told my therapist that all I wanted was for my mom to acknowledge that my childhood was pretty awful, and for her to just apologize for her role without getting defensive or trying to explain it away. My therapist asked ifContinue reading “Mom VI”

Mom V

My therapist recently asked whether my mom “deserves” to be in my life and have the relationships with my kids that she enjoys. I struggled to answer that. My primary struggle was not in determining whether my mom in specific is “deserving,” but rather what it means in general if I start thinking along thoseContinue reading “Mom V”

Mom IV

The night before my wedding, my mom drank too much wine (for her that is maybe two glasses) and made a fool of herself while the wedding party finished up preparing party favors and name cards. My best friend yelled at her; my mom has not talked to my friend since that day and unfollowedContinue reading “Mom IV”

Mom III

My therapist suggested that I outline my top 5 grievances and approach my mom with them in an email. I balked. Honestly, I don’t know what my top 5 are. There’s not necessarily a list of specifics for me–it’s more general: The fact that she didn’t allow us to have feelings or to cry. TheContinue reading “Mom III”