I have taken a long hiatus from this blog, mostly because I feel “OK” these days and don’t need this specific outlet. Indeed, I passed the 1-year mark in recovery and I’m feeling secure.
But, a lot has happened recently and has left me feeling out-of-sorts, which leads me to think that maybe I need to return to this specific tool for a bit.
First, “The Professor” from my previous posts returned out of the blue, with an odd and half-baked “apology” letter, delivered first to my email and then in hard copy to my workplace. This is the man who dictated what I wore during graduate studies, commented daily on my body, talked to me about his marriage difficulties (and how he was forced to masturbate because his wife stopped sleeping with him), and left pornography for me to find on our shared computer–among other things. His letter apologized for a “slip of the tongue” in one specific encounter, claiming that he chose his words poorly in that one conversation, and asking if I could please forgive him for that, given how badly his life was going at the time.
Then, two weeks later I learned that a former student of mine (not just any student–an amazing person whom I have know since she was in high school, who has babysat my children, whom I’ve watched kick ass all the way through her doctoral work–the “one” student that sometimes we are lucky enough to get in the course of a whole career) has been being harassed in the same, exact ways–during her own graduate work in this same field, by her teacher.
I have also had several close colleagues throw in the towel, amidst some huge budget and culture crises at my university, and I feel like I’m left alone to steer this sinking ship.
I am also—big reveal ahead–getting older. I can feel in my body that the changes I’ve been fearing are actually true. I find myself in a weird time (likely peri-menopause, already at age 41), where what used to be a week of bloating and fatigue and headaches is now sometimes two full weeks of all the PMS stuff, which culminates in not a few days of a period, but like a full week of a very light bleeding. TMI, I know, but if you add that all up, I feel like I get one single good week every month, if that. It’s taxing. I feel like my HIIT workouts and my sprints and everything else I’m doing just aren’t keeping up.
Keeping up with what? My eating, which is starting to feel a little… slippery. I know that I’m not in danger of going back to bulimia, at least right now. But, my food choices have gotten a little lax, and my eating has felt a little out of control sometimes. I acknowledge that I’m eating in response to my emotions, which have been all over the place recently. I know that I need to “get back on track,” but I’m having a hard time lately.
So, I guess that I have a few things to work out, and maybe I’ll use this platform again for awhile.