I was scrolling through my Timehop today and saw a screenshot I took one year ago today: a shot of my day counter reading 298. I took that screenshot before I reset the counter back to 0.
Today, I’m back to Day 204, suggesting that I was back in the recovery-relapse cycle for 161 days before I really “got back on track”.
These are, of course, only numbers, but like everyone else with EDs, I like quantifying.
I don’t remember the exact details of that relapse, only that I had felt it coming for a long while. I had a slippery-slope experience with a stomach bug and then felt the itch persisting and persisting until finally the ED won.
One year later, I am back on solid ground and I feel strong in my recovery. It is not without its bumps and challenges, of course, and I was surprised yesterday by a strong desire to purge. I was already planning to take a walk, so I just made my way outside and walked off the urge in the crisp fall air, and things went on just fine.
This morning, when I saw that photo, I was surprised to recall a bit of my dream last night–in my dream, I was flushing a toilet and wondered, “Did I just vomit?” I obviously had, and in my dream, I was overtaken with feelings of confusion, not remembering what had just happened.
I appreciate the reminder that while I feel solid in my recovery, I am not invincible. This takes hard work, and I’m still very much in the journey.