I’m frustrated. About nearly everything. I’m frustrated that I put 110% into everything I do (my choice, I know), and others can get away with (seemingly) not caring. I’m frustrated that I’m known as the person who is always on top of things, who always has the answers and solves the problems. I’m frustrated that the problems never stop.

My therapist asked what would happen if I put only as much effort into people and situations as the other party puts in. What if I mirrored my students’ effort, or cared about things only as much as my colleagues do? This feels like failing to me. So much of my identity is tied up in being the best I can be—not dropping the ball—any of the balls—and in fact picking up others’ dropped balls to juggle.

I know this comes at a cost. It costs me time and energy, and it leaves me feeling lonely and resentful much of the time.

But, I don’t know any other way to be.

Day 120.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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