Some dates just seem to leap off the page–happy dates and sad dates. We have collective dates like this–September 11, for example. Yesterday was one of those dates for me–my estranged brother’s birthday. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from flitting to him throughout the day. I didn’t necessarily have any associated feelings–I didn’t feel anger or guilt or overwhelming sadness… I mostly felt nothing.

I can’t decide whether that’s better or worse than feeling a lot. I think I’ve dealt with the anger and the disappointment and the guilt. I have compassion for the decisions he’s made, because I’ve had to make them, too. I don’t entirely understand his decision to cut me out, but for whatever reason, he had to. While it still doesn’t make sense to me, I realize that it was HIS decision to make, and I never had any control over it.

I hope he’s happy. I sincerely hope his wife and friends celebrated him and that he was overwhelmed with love. I will always maintain hope that he someday wants to at least be in touch, but for now, I am glad to feel a measure of peace.

Day 134.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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