When I first started seeing my therapist, she suggested it was a matter of when, not if I would relapse. It made me really mad. I thought, “Someday will be THE day, right? Someday I’ll have started recovery and will never look back and never even have to worry about relapsing.” And, I was sure THAT was the day–some 300 days ago. I was mad at her for suggesting it might not be.
I was wrong.
I have binged and purged for the last four days in a row. I haven’t wanted to. It hasn’t felt good. It hasn’t really even served a purpose. I just felt somehow stuck in this rut, going through the same familiar motions I have so many times before.
It does feel a little different than it used to. I don’t feel like I need it in the same way, and it doesn’t provide the relief it once did. I don’t really know why I’ve kept on for these 4 days, except that I think maybe I’m stuck in the “one last fix” mentality. I feel like this might be my last chance to engage in this behavior, and I’m finding it harder than I expected to say goodbye.
But, I don’t want to be here anymore. I know what it feels like to be nearly 300 days into a clean streak of recovery. I know what it takes and I know how to keep myself on track. I just need to put on my big girl pants and get back to the hard work of recovery.
Mondays are good days for starting over, right? Here we go.
Day 0, still.