I had a decent run, and then I had a weird trigger after 12 days… So, here I am again only 3 days in.
My “trigger” was a collection of things. The usual stress that I experience during this performance season–it’s usually my toughest period in the year. But, what I hadn’t expected was seeing the movie Spencer, the pic about Princess Diana. It was a decent film, but it depicted her bulimia, and I found myself not necessarily missing the habit, but thinking, “This isn’t really so bad. If Lady Di could keep up this habit with no one stepping in to help her, why should I be any different?”
And then, I think I kept that idea in my head, and wham! A couple of days later, I was back in the thick of my disorder.
And so, I’m trying a little experiment—this is my most stressful week, with some major performances at the end of it. I had a major disappointment yesterday that was my fault–I felt embarrassed in front of my colleagues, and I felt guilty for letting them down in a way that isn’t my norm. I had a hard time finding compassion for myself. It would be so much easier to keep the disorder going this week. But, I’m doing my best to keep it at bay. We’ll see.