I don’t know how many of these “Day 1″s it is going to finally take. I was so certain that it would really, truly be my last “do over” when I started this journey little over a year ago. Then, I relapsed after 298 days in recovery. And, now I’ve relapsed again.
So, here we are back at Day 1.
Some days make me pause to think what this ED has really taken from me, and how long it’s occupied my life. Yesterday was one of those days–like many who celebrate Ash Wednesday as the beginning of the Lenten discipline, I often think of giving up something, or changing behavior for the 40 days of Lent. I sat in church yesterday thinking, “Seriously? Here I am AGAIN thinking of how badly I need to give this thing up? Still?”
I have thought about how badly I need to give up bulimia every single Ash Wednesday for over 25 years. Last year, I felt so giddy on this day because I thought–I KNEW–that would be “it” — that I was done with the ED and I would never have to think about it again on that particular day.
And, here we are again.
I have decided that I need this blog. I don’t need people to read it (though, hello out there, and thanks to all of you who do!), but I do need to write it. When I started taking recovery for granted and not putting in the work of blogging, meditating, etc., I started slipping, without even noticing as it happened.
So, here I am. Back again at Day 1. Maybe this will the “the” one?