If Only…

I think on a regular basis that if only I could get my eating/bingeing/purging under control, I’d be able to achieve the body I’ve always wanted. I mean, my exercise and training game are on point, and I’m dedicated to my physical fitness. It’s something I go crazy without, and so I invest in it–my time, my energy, my money.

For the 25 years that I’ve struggled with bulimia, I’ve often thought that if only I could “just” have anorexia instead, I’d at least be super thin while dealing with my ED.

I realize that these are toxic and unhealthy thoughts. But, I can’t seem to keep my brain from thinking them.

I love to learn, and so I’m constantly reading books and listening to podcasts. I heard a science podcast awhile ago led by a Stanford professor (“Huberman Lab” — it’s a good podcast) that suggested that with the ways in which our brains are hardwired, bulimics and anorexics may be plagued by the same emotional “issues,” but physically/mentally, what’s going on in response to feeding and/or abstaining is totally different. So, I know that anorexia isn’t the ED for me.. believe me, I’ve tried. Something in my brain triggers the binge response to abstaining from food.

But, I still think all the time that IF ONLY this thing were gone, I would maybe see some of those unattainable gains in my training…

So, what’s stopping me? I’m not sure. I don’t know if it’s self-sabatoge or just this learned habit, or if my other coping mechanisms aren’t enough, or whether I’m simply forfeiting responsibility.

But, what I do know is that these thought aren’t healthy. It’s my ED talking. I’m trying hard not to listen.

Oh, yeah. And, back to Day 1.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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