I haven’t really felt this much lately, since we haven’t been out to eat in nearly a year (!). But, I was reminded when we finally did go out to eat the other night (fully vaccinated couple, yay!)… I don’t know whether I’ll ever look at an entire menu. Like, when we get a menu,Continue reading “Menus”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Failure
I talked with my therapist about my two traumatic experiences giving birth. She was sympathetic and encouraging and made me feel a little better about always assuming the worst. I see baby showers and I feel disdain. Do they NOT KNOW all the million and one things that could happen to end in tragedy? DoContinue reading “Failure”
Secrets
Holy shit. Did anyone else listen to the latest “This American Life” episode with guest host Susan Burton? She does a whole segment interviewing women with or recovering from eating disorders. I listened to the whole episode with this buzzing in my chest, not able to take a deep breath. I recognize myself in everyContinue reading “Secrets”
Willpower
My disorder is greedy and jealous. I wish that I could look at another woman and just admire her beauty, or even not think about it. I wish I wouldn’t see a clearly emaciated model and wish for her physique. I wish I could just not see the thinness or heaviness of bodies. I readContinue reading “Willpower”
Date Night!
My last few posts about childbirth and postpartum PTSD left me feeling a little drained and depleted. It’s just… a lot. I have more to say, and I have lots more to think about after therapy this week, but I’ll see how I feel about it in the coming days and write more then. ButContinue reading “Date Night!”
Tension
I have had a headache upon waking for at least 4 days now. I don’t quite know from what. I have a habit of furrowing my brow during sleep, which results in a morning headache. Honestly, the Botox has helped that. But I feel it behind me eyes, at the base of my skull, myContinue reading “Tension”
Suffering
I consider myself a tough person. As a lifelong athlete, I’ve played through sprains and bit back tears at jammed fingers, twisted knees. When I get hurt, I don’t wail and moan–I hunker down into myself and stay quiet until the wave passes. My husband has at times hovered worriedly over me going, “What? What?Continue reading “Suffering”
Quantify
To follow up on my last post, after the births of my children, neither of them could latch properly. They were both tiny, under 5 and 4 pounds at birth respectively. Their tiny mouths didn’t know how to latch, and the doctors fretted about not knowing exactly how much milk they were getting. I tookContinue reading “Quantify”
Childbirth
Giving birth was traumatic for me. I know it’s a traumatic thing for most, but both of my deliveries were objectively very traumatic. In the first, after 78 grueling hours of (induced) active labor, my 5-week-early son nearly died. We were unsure of his “viability” throughout the entire 78 hours, and then he came outContinue reading “Childbirth”
Counting
My therapist asked me why I thought I really stopped my recent purge—did I use one of our planned coping mechanisms (no), was I mindful and breathing deeply (also no), did I choose self-love and feel an overwhelming emotional connection to and forgiveness for myself (hell no)? I think she may have been happier withContinue reading “Counting”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 