I consider myself a tough person. As a lifelong athlete, I’ve played through sprains and bit back tears at jammed fingers, twisted knees. When I get hurt, I don’t wail and moan–I hunker down into myself and stay quiet until the wave passes. My husband has at times hovered worriedly over me going, “What? What?Continue reading “Suffering”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Quantify
To follow up on my last post, after the births of my children, neither of them could latch properly. They were both tiny, under 5 and 4 pounds at birth respectively. Their tiny mouths didn’t know how to latch, and the doctors fretted about not knowing exactly how much milk they were getting. I tookContinue reading “Quantify”
Childbirth
Giving birth was traumatic for me. I know it’s a traumatic thing for most, but both of my deliveries were objectively very traumatic. In the first, after 78 grueling hours of (induced) active labor, my 5-week-early son nearly died. We were unsure of his “viability” throughout the entire 78 hours, and then he came outContinue reading “Childbirth”
Counting
My therapist asked me why I thought I really stopped my recent purge—did I use one of our planned coping mechanisms (no), was I mindful and breathing deeply (also no), did I choose self-love and feel an overwhelming emotional connection to and forgiveness for myself (hell no)? I think she may have been happier withContinue reading “Counting”
Fret
I fret by nature—I can just immediately see things through to their final, horrible completions, and then I impotently await the awful outcomes. I can see accidents waiting the happen, injuries just waiting to occur. Miraculously, I’m not a hovering sort of mother—I don’t impede my kids’ childhood fun by telling them all the wayContinue reading “Fret”
Fool
A colleague proposed a Zoom gathering for a Galentines Day thing a few days ago. She had gotten a Tarot deck and book and wanted to do readings. I don’t give much credence to that kind of thing, but I thought that maybe it could offer a new outlook regardless of accuracy. My very firstContinue reading “Fool”
And just like that…
Wow, tonight hit me like a truck. I’m sitting here with a stomach too-full of food and a chest too-full of anxiety. I was so close. SO. CLOSE. I actually prepared food to eat that I knew I would purge. I took a bite (more like 15) and then thought, What are you doing??! YouContinue reading “And just like that…”
Humbled
Ok, so after I wrote that self-righteous post yesterday about “writing my future,” I was hit with a doozy of a day. I actually thought, No one will ever know. You can have one last purge and you’ll feel soooo much better. And then you can go back to recovery without ever telling anyone, andContinue reading “Humbled”
Future
I have started scheduling out these post by a few days; that way, I’m always a couple days ahead when my week starts crashing around me. And, I don’t feel any kind of anxiety that I need to get to posting each day. I mean, I realize I don’t need to post each day… it’sContinue reading “Future”
Dread
Sometimes, when I think of what it would take to unravel my life, I get this immediate and heavy boulder in my gut. I can see my husband spinning out and crashing on black ice—and then what? What do I do with the monthly mortgage that is 20% of my annual salary? What do IContinue reading “Dread”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 