I’m back to the beginning, Day 1.
Today, I decided that I’m going to stop feeling disappointed and dejected that I relapsed after nearly 300 days of recovery. Instead, I’m going to treat this as a blank slate, a chance to start anew with hope and excitement, and as a learning experience to see how things have changed since the last Day 1 (they have, and for that I’m exceedingly grateful).
So, here we go.
Tonight, I was flooded with gratitude at an unexpected, totally mundane moment. There was chaos all around–I was at my son’s indoor soccer game at 6:00 on a Friday evening after a very long and hectic week, having just run from our previous obligation, scarfing down crackers for dinner en route. The younger siblings were dropping markers left and right, fighting, and otherwise being younger siblings. The parents were chatting and halfheartedly watching the game in the very loud, very crowded arena.
And all of a sudden, I thought, “THIS is it. THIS is life. This is what I’ve always dreamed of.” And it is. I’m so, so happy. Over the course of the last many years, a community has been built–soccer game by soccer game, practice by practice, group text by group text. These same families are the ones on the school playground every day at pick up time, and the ones next to us at football games and tennis matches. Tomorrow, my son and I will get together for a pottery class with another mom and son. While these may not be my BEST friends, I am so glad for them. I’m glad to be able to text about a silly foible like sending my daughter to school in crazy leggings on NOT-crazy-legging day. I’m honored that one mom texts with me daily as her oldest son goes through cancer treatments for a very rare, very fatal cancer. I’m amazed and astounded that these people will wipe my daughter’s nose or keep track of her marker tops while she plays.
I am so blessed in this life, and I will move forward with that gratitude and hope as I usher in the next day on this bumpy road of recovery. At least in this moment, I think that I will be OK.