Safe

This has been a very busy time professionally, and I’m currently at a conference where I presented two different workshops and performed an important solo performance in front of 200+ peers. So, high-stress and high-stakes.

I’m proud of the way I handled my eating this week, and it wasn’t even at the forefront of my mind. On this side of everything, I realize that I wasn’t in any danger at all–I felt very safe from my ED.

I made a quick trip to Target when I got into town and bought a bunch of groceries to stock my hotel mini fridge, and I tossed a couple protein bars and nuts in my bag to have on hand if I needed a snack during my busy days. I picked up Panera for a couple of quick dinners, and I even stocked the tiny freezer with a pint of ice cream.

Eating felt natural and easy this week, and for that I’m very grateful. I realize that I directed my anxiety and my attention in more productive ways, and I also realize that this is a very different conference experience than I’ve had before.

Not so many years ago, I attended this very same conference; I binged and forced myself to vomit along the side of a deserted road. I feel shame now thinking about that–I can’t even put myself back in that mindset; it feels like a lifetime ago.

Anyone with an ED knows that conferences are prime ED territory–complete isolation and access to fast food, desserts, etc. Stress, new situations, anxiety… It’s easy to use an ED as a crutch in these types of situations, and I am very proud of all the work I’ve done this week–both professionally and personally.

Day 29.