Photo

Like many with EDs, I don’t always love to look at photos of myself. There are a few “sanctioned” pictures that I keep up around the house–those wedding and family photos that I have determined are “fine.” But, other than that, I sometimes find myself sucking in my breath when someone posts a picture of me: Wow. I didn’t know I looked like that… I should have put my arm on my hip, put my chin down a bit…

The other day when I was working out, I looked over to a mirror on our living room wall. The sun was filtering in, and I had some leftover makeup on from the night before (bad habit, I know), and my skin was glowing with sweat and exertion. Somehow my hair was fluffed a bit and looked really good, and I looked happy and fulfilled. I was surprised in a way wholly opposite the way I’m usually surprised when I see myself. There wasn’t anything to critique or judge.

So, I snapped a picture. I wanted to capture and remember the moment, that feeling.

I happened to see that photo this morning, and I was surprised that it looked fine, but didn’t look magical. I’m going to keep it in my camera roll, because I like what it reminds me of: that I can have those moments of sincere happiness and gratitude for myself and my body, and that I can do it ALONE, when I’m not surrounded by my beautiful, smiling family.

Day 44.