I routinely fight against the feeling of straining fabric. It’s hard not to notice when your pants are a little more snug, or your arms are pressing up on your blazer sleeves in an uncomfortable way. I know that those of us with EDs are particularly attuned to these minor shifts in how our bodies feel.

This morning, I tossed on one of my favorite tops, and I noticed what I had noticed the last time I wore it–the arms feel ever-so-slightly tighter, causing an uncomfortable strain when I outstretch my arms. I was so thrown by this feeling the last time I wore it that I decided today to take it off after getting ready. I had been doing my hair and was bothered by how my arms felt while I was holding them up to use the styling tools. So I went into the closet and chose another top.

This top is new. I wore it twice last week, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all in it. Today, it strained against my back and chest in a way that was, well, shocking. Can I seriously have gained SO MUCH weight in a week, in my CHEST and BACK of all places??? That’s what I thought immediately.

I took it off and chose a less offensive shirt for the day. I tried to think clearly. I know that my ED has the loudest voice in these moments. I know that I’m staring down that dreaded pre-period week, where I feel awful the entire freaking week. I am bloated and lethargic, and I literally AM bigger. I realize that only I notice this. But, on top of some actual weight gain, it’s feeling… uncomfortable.

I am choosing to recognize that this next week will be hard. I’ve already committed to my workouts for the week, and I’m proceeding in a healthy and mindful way. Fingers crossed.

Day 43.

Published by Quitter

I’m a college professor, wife, and mother of 2 small kids. I’m on a recovery journey 20 years in the making.

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