Quitter

Cycles

I’ve been feeling pretty solid in my recovery lately. Until yesterday… I was so hungry and bloated and tired. I ate everything salty in sight and still wanted more. I typically count my macros, unless I’m feeling particularly precarious with my ED. It helps me realize that one “bad” choice doesn’t need to derail myContinue reading “Cycles”

Stages

I recently submitted a final manuscript to my publisher, for publication next spring. My book is on performance anxiety, and it’s a heavily-researched deep dive into the physiology of anxiety–how and when it manifests, and how and why it presents in somatic symptoms. And, finally, what we can do to manage those symptoms. I jokedContinue reading “Stages”

One Week

This week has been busy with travel and the kids’ school year coming to a close. I’ve struggled a lot and had a few close calls, but I didn’t give in to the ED. I came very close today, but I decided I would rather ride the momentary discomfort than set back my counter clockContinue reading “One Week”

28

Since I began this recovery journey several years ago, I’ve estimated that I have struggled with bulimia “for about 25 years.” This morning, I realized that’s really no longer true. I’m 43 now, and I started dabbling with eating disorders of various ilk when I was 14-15, and really fell deeply into bulimia when IContinue reading “28”

Disappointment

Well, the last time I posted was January of 2024, claiming “It’s a new year!” and promising to be better in my recovery journey in 2024. I’m aware that it’s now well into 2025 (what a shit year), and here I am again. My overwhelming feeling is disappointment, but not surprise. I’ve been “better” withContinue reading “Disappointment”

New

My day counter on my phone reads “8,” as in 8 days since my last episode with bulimia. I had been in recovery for a solid 2 years, and then had some minor issues with relapses over the last few months. Obviously, I was not on as solid footing as I’d imagined. I decided that withContinue reading “New”

Confession

I’m here to confess my sins, just to put the words in print and send them out into the universe. I have binged and purged the past three days, after 2 years of solid recovery. Yep. I feel OK is the thing–I don’t feel like I’m relapsing; I feel almost like I just needed toContinue reading “Confession”

Day 397: Life

We had a really wonderful weekend. My husband and I were supposed to go out of town for a concert, but it was cancelled at the last minute, so we stayed at home with nothing to do and a family member in town to watch our kids. The kids’ sports were all cancelled due toContinue reading “Day 397: Life”

Day 392: Sitting with it

Like everyone, I dislike sitting with and in discomfort. I like to feel as though I’m actively doing something about it, or that I’m on my way to something better. But, sometimes there is nothing at all to do but to sit in it. I am uncomfortable in my body. I probably always have been.Continue reading “Day 392: Sitting with it”

Day 392: Overload

I realize that another part of my “problem” currently is that I’m overloaded, both professionally and personally. At a certain point in my recovery journey, I listed a lot to the podcast “The Cure for Chronic Pain,” even though I do not have chronic pain. I have, however, come to believe that quite a lotContinue reading “Day 392: Overload”