Quitter

Pieces

For the past while, I’ve been seeing my therapist only once a month. This feels both good and bad. I’m “OK” while meeting monthly, though there are often times between meetings when I feel like I could really use a quicker session. But, it’s also forced me to sit with all the feelings and situationsContinue reading “Pieces”

Relentless

I’m doing OK in my recovery and eating. I’m feeling less restless with the recovery and feeling slightly better about the bloating and discomfort. I’ve come to accept that I can’t just stubbornly eat broccoli every day, and I can’t down La Croix all day long without suffering from terrible gas discomfort. So, I’ve temperedContinue reading “Relentless”

Overtraining

I realized last night when I couldn’t sleep that I’ve been experiencing symptoms of overtraining for awhile. Or, I guess I should technically say “overreaching” (the more accurate term for the shorter term, less severe condition). I have been pushing myself super hard the past month or so to work out every day, doing moreContinue reading “Overtraining”

Bloating

I have been bloated my entire life, with the exception of vacations. On vacation, I eat less fruit and vegetables and drink less (well, more alcohol, but less other liquids) because I don’t want to have to pee all the time. I’ve spent my whole life “sucking in,” because if I didn’t, I would lookContinue reading “Bloating”

Taking Care

The summer is typically my time to reset. It’s a busy time with running the kids to a million camps and activities, but my own work schedule slows way down and my work can be completed at home whenever I choose. So, it’s typically my time to take care of myself–doctor’s appointments, haircut and color,Continue reading “Taking Care”

Weary

My soul is weary. I spent last night reading about the tragedy in Texas, and sleep was not to be. Today, my 4-year-old’s last question before she got out of the car at school drop-off was, “Mommy, were the kids who were killed scared?” I am so weary of this. My soul aches every timeContinue reading “Weary”

Pity

I had a good therapy session this week, in the way that typically happens: I went in with a list of things I thought I wanted to talk about, but actually ended up talking about something else for the whole hour. We’ve started meeting only once a month, which feels OK, but I’m thinking ofContinue reading “Pity”

Signs

I feel like the road signs in my life are pointing in so many contradictory directions. I don’t know which signs to trust, and I’m starting to feel lost. I had blood work done at my most recent doctor appointment, and I am not happy with the results. Things are all over the map. Basically,Continue reading “Signs”

10.

My recovery is solid, and I feel strong. Those are true statements. And yet… I went to another doctor’s appointment today, in the way that I typically take care of things in these unicorn weeks when my school year is over but my kids’ is not. I always get a haircut and color, see myContinue reading “10.”

Fat

This is a triggering word, I know. It’s an even more triggering feeling. There is really no simpler way to put it than: I feel fat. My arms feel fat, my cheeks feel puffy. I keep squeezing the flesh around my midsection thinking, Fat, fat fat. I hate that I am 40 years old andContinue reading “Fat”