Contradictions

I am feeling a calmness recently that I’m proud of. I’m also struggling with my typical “summer anxiety” as it commingles with my usual anxiety. These are contradictory emotions, certainly, but I’m trying to recognize and live with both.

I am relatively at peace with things right now.

We have an absurd and stressful situation that is ongoing with our new home build. I have been thrown into a very stressful, large administrative process at work with our national accrediting board–a large project did not get done this spring, which was in no way my fault (I didn’t even know about it), but now I’ve been assigned, and it is definitely my problem to deal with. In addition, I always find myself laden with anxiety as the summer begins. I have less day-to-day responsibilities at work, but more large-picture things to do, and I feel overwhelmed as I start to tackle these tasks. I also feel guilty taking the time I know I need over the summer to decompress–extra time for working out, walking, catching up on time with friends, doctor’s appointments.

I’m feeling all these things at once, but the overriding feeling is of being OK. I know that I’m safe, and that I will be OK, and that I don’t need help from my ED.

Day 42.