ED – Page 10 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Date Night!

My last few posts about childbirth and postpartum PTSD left me feeling a little drained and depleted. It’s just… a lot. I have more to say, and I have lots more to think about after therapy this week, but I’ll see how I feel about it in the coming days and write more then. ButContinue reading “Date Night!”

Tension

I have had a headache upon waking for at least 4 days now. I don’t quite know from what. I have a habit of furrowing my brow during sleep, which results in a morning headache. Honestly, the Botox has helped that. But I feel it behind me eyes, at the base of my skull, myContinue reading “Tension”

Suffering

I consider myself a tough person. As a lifelong athlete, I’ve played through sprains and bit back tears at jammed fingers, twisted knees. When I get hurt, I don’t wail and moan–I hunker down into myself and stay quiet until the wave passes. My husband has at times hovered worriedly over me going, “What? What?Continue reading “Suffering”

Counting

My therapist asked me why I thought I really stopped my recent purge—did I use one of our planned coping mechanisms (no), was I mindful and breathing deeply (also no), did I choose self-love and feel an overwhelming emotional connection to and forgiveness for myself (hell no)? I think she may have been happier withContinue reading “Counting”

Fret

I fret by nature—I can just immediately see things through to their final, horrible completions, and then I impotently await the awful outcomes. I can see accidents waiting the happen, injuries just waiting to occur. Miraculously, I’m not a hovering sort of mother—I don’t impede my kids’ childhood fun by telling them all the wayContinue reading “Fret”

And just like that…

Wow, tonight hit me like a truck. I’m sitting here with a stomach too-full of food and a chest too-full of anxiety. I was so close. SO. CLOSE. I actually prepared food to eat that I knew I would purge. I took a bite (more like 15) and then thought, What are you doing??! YouContinue reading “And just like that…”

Humbled

Ok, so after I wrote that self-righteous post yesterday about “writing my future,” I was hit with a doozy of a day. I actually thought, No one will ever know. You can have one last purge and you’ll feel soooo much better. And then you can go back to recovery without ever telling anyone, andContinue reading “Humbled”

Future

I have started scheduling out these post by a few days; that way, I’m always a couple days ahead when my week starts crashing around me. And, I don’t feel any kind of anxiety that I need to get to posting each day. I mean, I realize I don’t need to post each day… it’sContinue reading “Future”

Dread

Sometimes, when I think of what it would take to unravel my life, I get this immediate and heavy boulder in my gut. I can see my husband spinning out and crashing on black ice—and then what? What do I do with the monthly mortgage that is 20% of my annual salary? What do IContinue reading “Dread”

Sleep

I generally sleep pretty well, but lately my mind has been running and I just can’t turn off my ears from hearing every little sound. My husband’s snoring has gradually gotten louder and more annoying as the years go on, and I just cannot force myself not to hear it. I’ve tried so many brandsContinue reading “Sleep”