ED – Page 8 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Dream

I have recently begun remembering my dreams. I dream often, but I rarely remember them. Recently, I’ve been taking more of an interest in my dreams and have actively tried to recall them in the morning. Last night, I dreamt of my eating disorder. I dreamed that I reverted back to bingeing and purging, andContinue reading “Dream”

Pain

For the past several days, I’ve been experiencing some odd, though not necessarily new, pains in various parts of my body. It’s a sort of “zinging” pain, something akin to an electric shooting, a vibrating pulsation. I feel it across my shoulders, in the base of my neck, my elbows. It’s accompanied by an iron-likeContinue reading “Pain”

Ribs

Somewhere over the past decade (during two pregnancies, I guess), my ribs expanded. Among various other changes, my ribcage actually got bigger and stayed that way. My feet did the same. I have accepted this as an immutable reality. My ribs are just bigger. They will never again be squeezed into a size 2 straplessContinue reading “Ribs”

Confession

I recently read the blog of a former student who had become a personal trainer a few years back. She wrote that she was still working hard at fitness, still training, but had added not insignificant weight and curves since the pandemic hit; and, she LOVES, LOVES her new, curvier, heavier body. I have toContinue reading “Confession”

Progress

After writing my last blog, I was suddenly stuck by a thought: Holy shit! I have come so far. SO. FAR. I sometimes discredit the work I’ve done over the past decade because I’m not at the finish line yet. But, it doesn’t negate the steps that I’ve taken. I have BREAD IN MY HOUSE,Continue reading “Progress”

“Fat Camp”

What horrible words: “fat camp”. For SO many reasons. The pejorative adjective, the idea that people of a certain size need to be rallied together in a concentration-like camp to physically change something about themselves. My mother-in-law once came to our house and joked that she always loses weight when she comes to visit, thatContinue reading ““Fat Camp””

Gown

I will be one month shy of 40 when I am a bridesmaid for what I imagine will be the last time. I have not had that much in my life—I’ve only had a handful of very close girlfriends, was never in a sorority, only have one female relative my age. So, I will wearContinue reading “Gown”

Fatigue

I have noticed for a long time that I am tired, SO TIRED, when I go to visit my parents. They live several states away, so I don’t see them very often on “their turf”–it’s hard to travel with small kids, and especially over the last pandemic year, we only made the trip once (aContinue reading “Fatigue”

Puffy

These are the days I hate, the days that scare me and shake my resolve. During the four or five days before my period each month, I just feel so puffy. My face feels chipmunk-esque. My stomach puffs out, inches come out of nowhere and adhere to my hips. I feel like my insides allContinue reading “Puffy”

Maintenance

I was reading online about when an eating disorder is considered recovered. (Don’t worry, I understand that I’m nowhere near… just curious about it.) One site listed stages of recovery and suggested that the final step, “Maintenance,” is achieved when a person has been in active recovery and establishing new behaviors for six months orContinue reading “Maintenance”