I am addicted to sparkling water. I love it all–Bubly, La Croix, Aha, generic brands. My husband would argue that he’s also addicted to sparkling water–we go through enough to quench the thirst of an army every week. But here’s the difference: I am ACTUALLY addicted to it. I drink a beverage 100% of myContinue reading “La Croix”
Tag Archives: ED
1998
I promised my therapist that I would go through my old journals to find out exactly when I mentioned “bulimia” for the first time. I don’t really remember my first encounters with this disorder. There have been SO. MANY. I used to be a fanatic journaler. I would write pages upon pages nearly every day.Continue reading “1998”
Ordinary
I blend in pretty well–I’m a “normal” looking white woman who dresses stylishly (I mean, in my own humble opinion), but not remarkably. I may be more physically fit than the average 40-year-old mom of two, but basically, I’m not going to stop traffic or garner second glances out in public. As I’m this farContinue reading “Ordinary”
Supplies
Eating disorders are secret affairs. We carefully, so carefully, hide them for decades, from everyone. They are shut up and shut out, closeted demons. Today, I stumbled upon some skeletons in the literal closets. We have a large house with lots of bathrooms, and I only occasionally use some of them—the guest powder room downstairs,Continue reading “Supplies”
Missing
My eating disorder was with me for over 20 years. So, I guess it makes sense that I miss it sometimes. There are nights when I really, really wish I could just throw up my dinner. Sometimes it is when I actually have overeaten a little and feel uncomfortable; sometimes I just feel nostalgia forContinue reading “Missing”
Allowances
My therapist asked me what I wanted to start allowing this week. What did I want to start accepting as OK that was otherwise not OK, what could I allow to drift into the gray area that had previously been white/black, all or nothing? And so, I decided to try to accept three hard workoutContinue reading “Allowances”
Menus
I haven’t really felt this much lately, since we haven’t been out to eat in nearly a year (!). But, I was reminded when we finally did go out to eat the other night (fully vaccinated couple, yay!)… I don’t know whether I’ll ever look at an entire menu. Like, when we get a menu,Continue reading “Menus”
Failure
I talked with my therapist about my two traumatic experiences giving birth. She was sympathetic and encouraging and made me feel a little better about always assuming the worst. I see baby showers and I feel disdain. Do they NOT KNOW all the million and one things that could happen to end in tragedy? DoContinue reading “Failure”
Secrets
Holy shit. Did anyone else listen to the latest “This American Life” episode with guest host Susan Burton? She does a whole segment interviewing women with or recovering from eating disorders. I listened to the whole episode with this buzzing in my chest, not able to take a deep breath. I recognize myself in everyContinue reading “Secrets”
Willpower
My disorder is greedy and jealous. I wish that I could look at another woman and just admire her beauty, or even not think about it. I wish I wouldn’t see a clearly emaciated model and wish for her physique. I wish I could just not see the thinness or heaviness of bodies. I readContinue reading “Willpower”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 