Quitter

Integrity

The other day, when I was griping to my therapist about how disappointing it is when things go wrong and people make mistakes, she suggested that not everyone possesses integrity. Now, I’m nearly 40 and consider myself a realist, but this sort of shook me. I know that there are “bad apples” out there, butContinue reading “Integrity”

Optimism

My therapist told me that I’m an optimist, and I exploded with laughter. I have always thought of myself as a pessimist. I see all the potential errors, the pitfalls, the accidents waiting to happen. At any given moment, I could tell you five different ways my children could die, all more horrible than theContinue reading “Optimism”

Disgust

I am all about loving your body and being grateful for all the amazing this it has done. I really am. And, I really do love my body and am so, so grateful that it’s put up with all my shit and keeps powering through, that it gave me two amazing little people and thatContinue reading “Disgust”

Disappointment

I have pretty high standards; my husband’s are even higher. He is in a (medical) profession that requires absolute precision–there is no “close” or “pretty good” in his vocabulary. My profession is one that regularly takes me on the road as a performer–I routinely go out and perform, basically begging for criticism. My goal isContinue reading “Disappointment”

Joy

I haven’t gotten into the whole minimalist/Marie Kondo thing. We keep things pretty tidy, and frankly, I like those silver stilettos that I can’t quite squeeze into but still wear once every (two) year(s). But, it recently dawned on me that I feel a little bit of a bittersweetness in bidding farewell to bulimia. ItContinue reading “Joy”

Yo-yo

I feel stuck in an awful yo-yo swinging between feeling all liberated/empowered/I-don’t-care-what-you-think-about-my-body… and then realizing I really do care, and feeling sadness, frustration, anger, and guilt over the small amount of weight I put on in the other phase. I know that this stems from my black-and-white thinking, the idea that I’m swinging between theContinue reading “Yo-yo”

100

Today marks 100 days since my last purging episode. I’m struck by any number of things: I’m honestly a little disheartened that things don’t feel much different. I don’t know why I sent this arbitrary number and assumed (hoped) that when I reached it, I’d have made enough progress to feel markedly “different” in someContinue reading “100”

Mom VIII

My therapist suggested something I hadn’t considered: my children are now my mother’s purpose in life, and as such, they will be the ones to change her, if it is ever to happen. Nothing that I have ever done has elicited change in her behavior or character; but, every time she leaves our house sheContinue reading “Mom VIII”

Mom VII

I’ve been trying to imagine what goes through my mom’s head regarding body image. I know that she has been wildly uncomfortable with her body and herself. I know that she was hospitalized in either high school or college for anorexia (though I mistrust my old memories so much now… who told me that? DidContinue reading “Mom VII”

Shame

I’m taking a break from my “Mom series” to reflect a little on mortality… and shame. Today I learned that a classmate of mine from undergrad (same department and year at a small liberal arts college) died suddenly last night. She was 38. They don’t know yet what the cause of her death was, butContinue reading “Shame”