I’m angry. My mother has again taken an important or exciting thing in my life and made it about her–or twisted my feelings about said event unfairly. This time, it was the news that I’d made full professor. She called and said in an angry tone, “Well. Congratu-LATIONS. I wish I would have known aboutContinue reading “Mom X”
Tag Archives: bulimia recovery
Dates
Some dates just seem to leap off the page–happy dates and sad dates. We have collective dates like this–September 11, for example. Yesterday was one of those dates for me–my estranged brother’s birthday. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from flitting to him throughout the day. I didn’t necessarily have any associated feelings–I didn’t feel angerContinue reading “Dates”
Replacement
I was talking through my recent sadness with my therapist, and she asked with what I had replaced bulimia. I didn’t have an answer. While bulimia was obviously not a healthy stress response, it was a response. When stress and anxiety started to overcome me, I would binge and purge. The relief was immediate. Now,Continue reading “Replacement”
Not Normal
The other day, I wrote a post about how some food-related things make me feel almost “normal” (whatever that means). On other days, some things are decidedly not normal. Last night, I felt a weird, prolonged rush of anxiety that I haven’t felt in awhile. I’m not really sure what triggered it–maybe the stress ofContinue reading “Not Normal”
Dress
I am wearing a dress today that I hate. I keep it because it’s a color that I need for academic functions, but it’s a plain jersey dress that doesn’t feel flattering when I’m bloated. And, guess what? PMS central over here. I can feel the dress clinging on my back where I feel aContinue reading “Dress”
Normal
Who knows what “normal” means, but sometimes I find myself thinking, Hey! That was something normal person might do! And, it feels good. The other day, I had a meeting cancellation ping on my phone while I was driving to work, and I stopped for my favorite thing–a grade chai latte with almond milk. ThisContinue reading “Normal”
Grandparents
I attended a funeral yesterday for a woman who died at age 98. She had so many children and grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. She was filled with joy and love. She lived the most amazing life. I was struck by so many thoughts. I want to live that way—full of joy and love to be shared.Continue reading “Grandparents”
Control
One of the things I’ve been reflecting on in the aftermath (maybe aftermath? maybe it’s ongoing?) of this little depressive state is the issue of control. I know that for so long, bulimia was a last-ditch effort to establish some kind of control amidst chaos and things I couldn’t change. I still struggle with that.Continue reading “Control”
Better
Sometimes, I just sit in awe of all that I have and how very, very blessed I am in this life. I have a hard time sitting in gratitude and contentment, but sometimes I am startled by the beauty in my life. A few days ago, my kids watched one of their favorite episodes ofContinue reading “Better”
Overwhelmed
I’m overwhelmed at the moment. Work is at a fever pitch, and I have a 3-year-old miserably ill with RSV (out of school all week). My son was sent home from school crying about a tooth ache, so now we need to get him into the dentist ASAP. Our house just went on the market,Continue reading “Overwhelmed”
I Quit: Giving up Bulimia 