Quantify

To follow up on my last post, after the births of my children, neither of them could latch properly. They were both tiny, under 5 and 4 pounds at birth respectively. Their tiny mouths didn’t know how to latch, and the doctors fretted about not knowing exactly how much milk they were getting. I tookContinue reading “Quantify”

Counting

My therapist asked me why I thought I really stopped my recent purge—did I use one of our planned coping mechanisms (no), was I mindful and breathing deeply (also no), did I choose self-love and feel an overwhelming emotional connection to and forgiveness for myself (hell no)? I think she may have been happier withContinue reading “Counting”

Fret

I fret by nature—I can just immediately see things through to their final, horrible completions, and then I impotently await the awful outcomes. I can see accidents waiting the happen, injuries just waiting to occur. Miraculously, I’m not a hovering sort of mother—I don’t impede my kids’ childhood fun by telling them all the wayContinue reading “Fret”

And just like that…

Wow, tonight hit me like a truck. I’m sitting here with a stomach too-full of food and a chest too-full of anxiety. I was so close. SO. CLOSE. I actually prepared food to eat that I knew I would purge. I took a bite (more like 15) and then thought, What are you doing??! YouContinue reading “And just like that…”

OK, Fine.

“OK, fine.” That’s what I said to my therapist as I begrudgingly agreed that she might be right about my preferred mode of communication with my husband (and all other living, breathing things). I don’t deal well in moments of intense emotion–I typically freeze and just shut down. That makes speaking difficult. I have learnedContinue reading “OK, Fine.”

Trigger

I don’t necessarily have set-in-stone food triggers for bulimia. Some days I can eat pizza and desserts without feeling a twinge of guilt, and other days I can eat healthily all day and still feel like I would really feel better after a good purge. I realize that’s because my triggers are emotional–when I’m feelingContinue reading “Trigger”