eating disorder – Page 11 – I Quit: Giving up Bulimia

Gown

I will be one month shy of 40 when I am a bridesmaid for what I imagine will be the last time. I have not had that much in my life—I’ve only had a handful of very close girlfriends, was never in a sorority, only have one female relative my age. So, I will wearContinue reading “Gown”

Fatigue

I have noticed for a long time that I am tired, SO TIRED, when I go to visit my parents. They live several states away, so I don’t see them very often on “their turf”–it’s hard to travel with small kids, and especially over the last pandemic year, we only made the trip once (aContinue reading “Fatigue”

Puffy

These are the days I hate, the days that scare me and shake my resolve. During the four or five days before my period each month, I just feel so puffy. My face feels chipmunk-esque. My stomach puffs out, inches come out of nowhere and adhere to my hips. I feel like my insides allContinue reading “Puffy”

Maintenance

I was reading online about when an eating disorder is considered recovered. (Don’t worry, I understand that I’m nowhere near… just curious about it.) One site listed stages of recovery and suggested that the final step, “Maintenance,” is achieved when a person has been in active recovery and establishing new behaviors for six months orContinue reading “Maintenance”

La Croix

I am addicted to sparkling water. I love it all–Bubly, La Croix, Aha, generic brands. My husband would argue that he’s also addicted to sparkling water–we go through enough to quench the thirst of an army every week. But here’s the difference: I am ACTUALLY addicted to it. I drink a beverage 100% of myContinue reading “La Croix”

1998

I promised my therapist that I would go through my old journals to find out exactly when I mentioned “bulimia” for the first time. I don’t really remember my first encounters with this disorder. There have been SO. MANY. I used to be a fanatic journaler. I would write pages upon pages nearly every day.Continue reading “1998”

Rest

Today is a “rest day” for me. As in, I won’t tax my already taxed body by demanding it physically atone for my sins (eating). I have long begrudged these days—they’re wasted, frivolous, unproductive. I feel like I’ve failed in the omission. But, I’m working in therapy on “allowances,” and this is one thing IContinue reading “Rest”

Ordinary

I blend in pretty well–I’m a “normal” looking white woman who dresses stylishly (I mean, in my own humble opinion), but not remarkably. I may be more physically fit than the average 40-year-old mom of two, but basically, I’m not going to stop traffic or garner second glances out in public. As I’m this farContinue reading “Ordinary”

Supplies

Eating disorders are secret affairs. We carefully, so carefully, hide them for decades, from everyone. They are shut up and shut out, closeted demons. Today, I stumbled upon some skeletons in the literal closets. We have a large house with lots of bathrooms, and I only occasionally use some of them—the guest powder room downstairs,Continue reading “Supplies”

Missing

My eating disorder was with me for over 20 years. So, I guess it makes sense that I miss it sometimes. There are nights when I really, really wish I could just throw up my dinner. Sometimes it is when I actually have overeaten a little and feel uncomfortable; sometimes I just feel nostalgia forContinue reading “Missing”