Quitter

Noticing

There are a lot of things I’ve learned or read recently that resonate with me, or that I do believe, but I don’t know what to do with. The idea of trauma manifesting in physical pain, for instance. Or, my true desire to be less of a perfectionist or less judgmental. These beliefs and desiresContinue reading “Noticing”

Pain

I’ve been listening to a podcast called “The Cure for Chronic Pain,” even though I do not suffer from chronic pain. But, it was recommended on another podcast I enjoy, so I gave it a listen. I have become increasingly interested in the concept of trauma manifesting as physical pain. When I was pregnant withContinue reading “Pain”

Integrity

The other day, when I was griping to my therapist about how disappointing it is when things go wrong and people make mistakes, she suggested that not everyone possesses integrity. Now, I’m nearly 40 and consider myself a realist, but this sort of shook me. I know that there are “bad apples” out there, butContinue reading “Integrity”

Optimism

My therapist told me that I’m an optimist, and I exploded with laughter. I have always thought of myself as a pessimist. I see all the potential errors, the pitfalls, the accidents waiting to happen. At any given moment, I could tell you five different ways my children could die, all more horrible than theContinue reading “Optimism”

Disgust

I am all about loving your body and being grateful for all the amazing this it has done. I really am. And, I really do love my body and am so, so grateful that it’s put up with all my shit and keeps powering through, that it gave me two amazing little people and thatContinue reading “Disgust”

Disappointment

I have pretty high standards; my husband’s are even higher. He is in a (medical) profession that requires absolute precision–there is no “close” or “pretty good” in his vocabulary. My profession is one that regularly takes me on the road as a performer–I routinely go out and perform, basically begging for criticism. My goal isContinue reading “Disappointment”

Joy

I haven’t gotten into the whole minimalist/Marie Kondo thing. We keep things pretty tidy, and frankly, I like those silver stilettos that I can’t quite squeeze into but still wear once every (two) year(s). But, it recently dawned on me that I feel a little bit of a bittersweetness in bidding farewell to bulimia. ItContinue reading “Joy”

Yo-yo

I feel stuck in an awful yo-yo swinging between feeling all liberated/empowered/I-don’t-care-what-you-think-about-my-body… and then realizing I really do care, and feeling sadness, frustration, anger, and guilt over the small amount of weight I put on in the other phase. I know that this stems from my black-and-white thinking, the idea that I’m swinging between theContinue reading “Yo-yo”

100

Today marks 100 days since my last purging episode. I’m struck by any number of things: I’m honestly a little disheartened that things don’t feel much different. I don’t know why I sent this arbitrary number and assumed (hoped) that when I reached it, I’d have made enough progress to feel markedly “different” in someContinue reading “100”

Mom VIII

My therapist suggested something I hadn’t considered: my children are now my mother’s purpose in life, and as such, they will be the ones to change her, if it is ever to happen. Nothing that I have ever done has elicited change in her behavior or character; but, every time she leaves our house sheContinue reading “Mom VIII”