Quitter

No One Cares

No, this is not a pity-party post about how no one cares about me. It’s actually a pretty liberating thought: no one cares! That is to say, I’m a very happily married almost-40-year-old mother of 2 small children. NO ONE CARES what I look like. My kids don’t care, and my husband certainly doesn’t careContinue reading “No One Cares”

New Healing

In my last blog post, I wrote about how devastating it was to reread my old childhood journals. As I’ve reflected on that, I have also realized that every desire I expressed, every dream I wrote about… has come true. I wrote again and again that all I wanted in life was the have aContinue reading “New Healing”

Old Wounds

I recently went up to my attic and lugged down a dusty old box that held my old journals. I cracked open the yellowed packing tape and opened one with a Precious Moments cover, dated 1995-1996. I have only faint recollections of anything that happened in the 90s, or really anything much of my childhood.Continue reading “Old Wounds”

Struggle

For me bulimia has always been somewhat cyclic. It’s easy for me to slip into disordered patterns the week before my period, when I feel worse physically and emotionally. I tend to eat less healthily and just feel bloated and bad. Yesterday was a struggle, and I know already 15 minutes into today that itContinue reading “Struggle”

Panic

My closest friend has struggled with anorexia for a long while. While it helps to feel the solidarity of another successful, intelligent, productive woman struggling with an eating disorder, I always come back to the same thought: It’s really not the same. While I’ve never struggled with anorexia (I used to wish I had theContinue reading “Panic”

Movement

I recently watched a class that I taught both via Zoom and in-person. Yeah, it’s hard. Like, nearly impossible. Anyhow, I was surprised to see myself rocking back and forth nearly the entire time I wasn’t speaking. Anytime I was listening to students, fielding questions, or otherwise not actively lecturing, there it was. Back andContinue reading “Movement”

Therapy

I’ve talked on this blog about how I recently started therapy. I’ve dabbled in the past, but I was never honestly serious about quitting bulimia. So, the therapy was doomed to fail, even if I hadn’t lied my way through. When I decided to begin therapy this time, I promised myself that I wouldn’t lie.Continue reading “Therapy”

Mortality

Yesterday, I received a package that was like a gut punch. I’m the head of a local professional organization, and one of our members sent me a bunch of odd-and-ends personal memorabilia with a note stating that he and his partner had decided to end their lives, at their home, after valiantly battling AIDS forContinue reading “Mortality”

Sobriety

This journey has been long in the making. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it started, but I think it traces back to self-care. A few years ago, I was struggling with thyroid issues after my second pregnancy and birth of my daughter–a story in itself, in which I nearly died–and I was so depressed.Continue reading “Sobriety”

The Hump

Day 10. It’s hard for me to get into the double digits, but once I do, I typically do OK with recovery. That is, I might get to 20 days, or maybe 3 months, or maybe even longer. But, I have always relapsed in the past. My therapist maddeningly says, “Never say never!” As in,Continue reading “The Hump”